I took a psychopathology class in my sophomore year of college. It was a formative class for me, as I battered my brain and body with too little sleep and too much of everything else. I couldn’t help but draw comparisons between myself and the people we studied.

I vividly remember learning about a bright British guy named Clive Wearing, who was mentioned as a case study. Clive was an accomplished musician; a choir-master, composer, and keyboardist. After contracting viral encephalitis in 1985, Clive suffered severe damage to his memory-related brain regions.

Because of this damage, he experiences profound amnesia — both anterograde (unable to form new memories) and retrograde (loss of past memories). His memory typically lasts only 7 to 30 seconds, after which it's like his mind "restarts." He repeatedly believes he has just woken up for the very first time—even when engaged in ongoing conversation.

I remember seeing a clip of his journal entries. They all followed the same format. A date, a time, and some iteration of the phrase “I am NOW completely awake,” or, “NOW, I am completely awake,” or “I am now COMPLETELY awake.” You get the idea.

clive’s journal entries… not gonna lie, they’re a little dry. hopefully mine are more entertaining.

I remember this guy sometimes, and think about this hamster wheel he’s stuck in. I relate, not just to the short term memory problem, but to the hamster wheel itself. Of feeling like I’m suddenly new in this world, that I’ve just come to. This constant feeling of renewal, I think, is something akin to nirvana… or is it moksha? or Urdhva-retas without sādhanā — “Upward flow of vital essence without disciplined practice”? Or Vikṣepa — Literally “distraction” or “scattering,”.

I’m alive in the moment, and living now! I’m NOW completely awake.

This nowness/newness is likely relatable to many young people… especially artists. It goes like this:

“How stupid I was… how blind… how could I not see or know or have found out or heard? The new me is smarter, sleeker, faster.. all bright and shiny. Out with the old me, the rusty me, the crusty me, the day-olds... Give me the cutting edge, I’ll show you what to do with it.”

It’s honestly embarrassing how many times I’ve posted things about myself online and removed them, either immediately, or soon thereafter, in an effort to “cover my tracks.” I’ve felt embarrassed to publicize myself, or my work, or my thoughts, what have you, at what feels like a juvenile stage in their development… embarrassed to call attention to myself before I have it all figured out. What ends up being on display is indecisiveness, confusion, lack of directionality and purpose.

For some reason, I’ve been thinking people expect me to have it figured out this whole time??? Well, now I'M completely awake.

More and more, I’m realizing that I probably never will have it figured out… That life is a constant “figuring out”. That I might as well get comfortable in the “not having it figured out”, because this bus isn’t stopping any time soon.

But that’s not a doom-and-gloom, woe-is-me, defeatist (or hell, even defeatish) sentiment. Instead, it’s a liberation.

My mentor called me out today for being invisible online. “Finn, you’ve done all these things, you have skill, talent, and capacity for work in all of these areas, but I’m not seeing it online. Your website barely has any of you in it.”

He told me that when he first interviewed me to work with him, he looked at my website, and the overwhelming sentiment was confusion. He couldn’t tell what I do, or what I’ve done, and it didn’t feel coherent. It didn’t match up to the quality of my interview. So he passed me up, and hired another guy for the job.

He was absolutely right, and right to do so. Luckily for me, it didn’t work out with the other guy. I bumped into Frank at a party a few months later, and he remembered me. We started working together. I proved myself useful in a number of ways early on. It didn’t take long for Frank to ask why I wasn’t putting in the quality/level/amount of work into my own thing as I put into his. I have gotten a lot out of working with Frank, and I almost missed out on this opportunity completely, and it was my own fault for presenting myself and my work poorly.

Well, NOW I’m COMPLETELY awake. I get the message. There’s nobody to do my work but me. I’m further along in my journey than I give myself credit for. There’s no better person to document my journey than myself. People are interested in the journeys of artists, and dare say I, they may find interest in mine too. My future audience, not to mention my future self, will appreciate these glimpses into my mind — or at least my typed thoughts. hopefully this will serve as something of a record of my personality, as well.

I’m an excellent problem solver. I make things happen. I think it’s important to self-assess, and note your strengths, and to address any problems head on when made evident. it’s been made evident that I need to work on solving the problem of being finn, and to do so out loud.

I’m going to work, and I’m going to publish. And I’m taking you, dear reader, along for the ride.

Life is good, art is good, and I can feel myself living in a high-vibrational field of energy. These are the golden days, as I live through them. So here’s where it stands... I’M COMPLETELY AWAKE!!! and perhaps we’re due for a bit of a recap…

i’m awake!